Being a parent involves having your heart ripped to shreds over and over again. It is ridiculous how vulnerable and overwhelming it is -- in good ways, in ways that challenge you and push you to grow - grow - grow. You just can't believe you can love something so much.
I frankly do not tell my parents that I love them enough. I am only two years into this being a parent thing, and only beginning to understand. I am just skimming the surface ...
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I can't believe this human growing inside me is going to come out ... in 4 to 6 to perhaps 8 weeks maximum. Halloween baby? I can't wait to meet them. They seem so mysterious to me. I can't wait to see Catalpa interact with a sibling. I know I would love it if Catalpa were my sibling.
I have changed a lot during my second pregnancy -- morphed in many ways. I don't write much or play music. I don't stay up late... at all. I don't go out in the evenings, and I am not surrounded by constant peer support like I was during my pregnancy with Catalpa. I spend most of my time with Catalpa, doing farm-work, cleaning the house, cooking, making grocery lists, responding to emails, canning every bit of produce, and squeezing in sleep whenever I can.
If I have a spare moment I am mostly interested in spending it doing... absolutely nothing. I would like to just sit, maybe sip tea, maybe stare at something for awhile, day-dream, nothing else. I think this is a symptom of life with a toddler or life growing food or life being pregnant while having a toddler, or just some kind of cocktail mixture of all of that. Going places and doing things that I used to find enjoyable just pale in comparison to moments sitting in silence, alone, at rest. I long for.... moments of nothing.
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It almost frosted here last night, which would only mean losing all our peppers and tomatoes. Everything else we nestled under row cover or harvested. It didn't happen. Today was beautiful and cool. The sun was the autumn sun - warm while feeling further away. Tyler worked on finishing the second greenhouse while I tried to can a batch of pepper jelly. Attempting a canning project when you are too tired is like the number one rule in canning -- always give yourself enough time, you cannot rush when canning (2 hours in my opinion) and you really must be alert. The pepper jelly didn't jell and it spilled over turning two burners into completely blackened sugary marshmallow goop. Oh well. Now I have "Sweet & Spicy Pepper Sauce" which I think would be perfect poured over pulled pork tacos.
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This winter is going to be beautiful. I am not excited that Tyler has to get a full-time winter job somewhere. I wish he could stay home and our farm income could support us year-round, but we are not there yet. I just want to cuddle with the new baby, bundle Catalpa up and throw him outside, and when I am feeling up to it go to all those winter farm workshops and conferences, cook dinners, make salve and tinctures, and get lost in seed catalogs.
But first we have autumn -- the decay -- the most striking time of year (for me).
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